Not MY Child
by Christine Heeren, 2003

So much inside of me wants to come out
anger and fear, frustration and doubt.

I was surprised with a child, whom I loved right away
unconditionally, 24 hours a day.

He walked at 10 months, drew pictures at a year
seemed perfectly healthy, I had not a fear.

Then, something felt wrong, around the age of 2.
"autism" they said, it just couldn't be true.

Not MY child, no way, not possible you see.
I always thought God would never do this to me.

I followed the rules and waited for my prize
but, instead I only have tears in my eyes.

Broken promises and dreams, sleepless nights,
numerous bills and endless fights.

Asking for help from people who can't deal,
instead they hide and would rather not feel.

So, I'm all alone, with my child by my side,
feeling as if part of me died.

I grieve for the future he will never see.
but most of all,
I grieve for the parent I wanted to be.